I Thirst

I love espresso! A gift from God to illustrate the principle of quality, not quantity. Unlike the Morning Pot of Coffee, espresso does not really lend it self to pre-programming or the the hectic life. The Real Deal is a slow process of preparing your device (old-fashioned, heat driven, baby!) and then waiting.

John Ortberg talks about "ruthlessly eliminating hurry from your life" (The Life You've Always Wanted, I think).

Wait on your espresso.

“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10)

PSSD (Post Scholastic Stress Disorder) is a seasonal disorder, commonly affecting men and women between 35 and 45. Sufferers can begin to suffer the onset of symptoms as early as late April, but most of the affected population reports episodes beginning in late May, through the first week of June. The Victim is often woken up by his first episode of the season. Typically, he is driven to wakefulness by the sensation of being well rested.

It was strange, to open my eyes and look at a quiet alarm clock, glowing faintly in full daylight. It Began to sink in. I don't have to regurgitate a huge wad of microbiology or logarithms onto a piece of paper today. It's been raining, and the vegatables are fine...furthermore, It's too wet to cut the grass. I dont have to read anything. I can edit a few pictures, visit my Aunt in the nursing home, and clean my house. The only jobs I have lined up are outdoor work and the weather is looking prohibitive for the next ten days (that's actually pretty uncool... I had a postponement on a window installation that should have put some house payment in my wallet this week). I am realatively free, today. Hmmm.

This girl looks like she's strugglin' (probably every bee you've ever seen was female). Her job, day in and day out for one to four months of life span, is to fly to and then clamber over, landscapes of incredible beauty, and to then fill her leg baskets with "another load of pollen!". (There is no real struggle here...it's all in the camera, a posture frozen in time-insects can lift many times their body weight, casually...one of those strange aspects of physics that are over my head.)
I wonder, is it possible that as worker bees, we no longer see the flowers? Scott Peck tells us that " life is difficult" (or something like that...) and we nod in agreement, thinking that life is difficult.(that's not the royal "we", it's the trailer park "we". Perhaps it doesn't apply to my readers- both of you.)
When I begin to take the flowers for granted, I forget that I'm a member of a minority. As part of this exclusive group (80% of humanity lives on less than 10 bucks a day), I have a roof over my head... hell if I want, I have a roof over my car. I am so affluent that I can spew drinking water outside on my grass, and pay to feed animals who do no work. I am acquiring a college education in spite of youthful irresponsibility, and poor choices, and I get to walk around in the mountains a couple of times a year. My difficult life is littered with flowers. I even get to blog a little, when school is out.

this cropduster came in by blowin' treetops out of his way. I've never been that close to an airplane I wasn't boarding. We pulled over in a convenience store parking lot to find my lighter, and then he roared over. I got one or two interesting shots, but I missed the humdinger. My first sight of him was as he blew over us from behind... as he waggled in silhouette, My mind's eye went "click" and I grieved a little.
I did get one of him waving at me...
Large

Extreme HDR or a treatment so subtle that you must disclose it in order to discuss it. This remake of Jack is about as heavily edited as you can get without becoming abstract, but this picture:

could conceivably be straight-out-of-the-camera, with a filter.

Anonymous said...

hmm, maybe you and I don't belong to God..,

"He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God." - John 8:47

I cannot say that I have fully given my life to God or Jesus, I have lots of attachments like beer, money, etc.

Reckon these vices keep me from belonging to God?

TJG

April 23, 2009 7:51 PM

Perhaps you and I don't belong to God... but maybe we do.

³⁴When the Pharisees heard that Jesus^£ had silenced the Sadducees, they met together in the same place. ³⁵One of them, an expert in the Law, tested him by asking, ³⁶“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” ³⁷Jesus^£ said to him, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’^{£ 38}This is the greatest and most important^£ commandment. ³⁹The second is like it: ‘You must love your neighbor as yourself.’^{£ 40}All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commandments.”

This is what Jesus says we must do. This is the most important thing, according to him. What is interesting is that Jesus, who knows a whole lot, including the hearts of men, chooses to answer a one - answer question, with two answers. He tells us that All the Law (a vast do-and-don't database) and All the Prophets can be distilled to these essentials... hmmm. All means all. Law..... Prophets.... This tells us that when we violate the Law, or fail to apply the wisdom of the Prophets, we are either not loving God, or not loving our neighbor (and remember, Jesus tells us these are flip sides of the same coin, goes so far as to say that not loving our neighbor is not loving God: "first be reconciled to your brother...." ).
Now, I don't like the notion that breaking a commandment means that I am not loving God. It is a nagging rebuttal from the peanut gallery, that rings out when I am trying to bask in self-righteousness, or privately congratulate myself on my down-to-earth spirituality. I would LOVE to correct Jesus. (Whoa, Lord! you've made a mistake in your thinking... let me explain it to you...) To tell us that obeying the Law, and applying the wisdom of the Prophets, are manifestations of loving God and my Neighbor, and that these two things are the One Thing that matters most to God, is shining an inconvenient light into the corners and shadows of religion.

TJG, you ask if your vices keep you from belonging to God:

I cannot say that I have fully given my life to God or Jesus, I have lots of attachments like beer, money, etc.

Reckon these vices keep me from belonging to God?

I think everything already belongs to God, but here is perhaps some food for thought.

1. Must you love God in order to surrender to him? Hopefully these are issues of degree, with a correlation between them.
2. If drunkeness and goldigging cut the telephone line to God, What about hypocrisy, chasin' ho's (or just thinking about it :D), overeating, ...driving past the homeless, hungry dude on the way to Wallyworld to get a fishing liscence? ...ordering the first (or any) crusade? What sins are exempt?
   

About a year ago, Kylee moved in next door with her grandma, aunt, cousin, and mom. This was also the period where my love of photography began to run away with me, and I itched for a good shot of Kylee, and got a couple... I was very much a beginner (still am) but loved some of those pictures. Kylee has since moved away, but comes back to visit for a few days here and there. I have lately been learning about HDR and shooting in RAW format, and it was a treat to catch this picture and tweak it. It is amazing how you can take an unremarkable shot and really bring out something special... sometimes. This picture of Kylee was a happy accident. I had actually gotten my camera to take a few pictures of the new baby and got to fartin' around with Kylee,

who had a trampoline accident yesterday, giving her the black eye.

I love the way this turned out.

The thing that bothers me, is that Scripture only addresses individuals who play a role of strategic significance in God's redemptive plan, or play a necessary role in illustrating an accurate picture of Divine Character. There is no book of Joe. Or Jane. Scripture does not address the Average Slob. We get no direct description of how such an individual can expect to be treated in a relationship with the Almighty. Everything is inferred, mostly from the wriring of David and Solomon, and this pop theology is presented to us from the pulpit. As for the Bible thumping "Gawd speaks to us throo his worduh!", Peter Lord reminds us in "Hearing God", that a huge number of Christians lived and died before Guttenberg's printing press, and never owned a Bible. Most of us would like to think that we have a 1-of-a-kind role to play in God's plan, but is this realistic? It feels empty, to me, this doctrine of intimacy with God, an Entity capable of 400 years of silence. How do I reconcile this with a man who claims that he stands at the door knocking, waiting to come in and interact with me? I cannot follow David's example, because I am not being groomed for Great things, and I am not nearly the man David was. I can sin with the best of 'em, but I cannot measure up to David's faith. From time to time, in his whining, David doubted God's concern or attention, but never his existence. It seems God only answers those who need to hear him for his purpose. What kind of a relationship is that? I have read my Bible, and listened desperately for a still, small voice. This merely puts me in touch with a lot of fleeting thoughts that may or may not come from Jesus. When I knock at your door, and you don't hear me, I knock louder, even though I don't love you near as much as Jesus does...

Explore, the flickr photoblog showcase is difficult to enter. As near as I can figure the math, only 500 in about 10,000,000 photos possesses enough "interestingness" to be inducted. "Interestingness" is determined by a patented algorythm, which is subject to change, and a closely guarded secret. Flickr keeps track of how many views, comments, and thumbs up a photo gets, where the traffic comes from, and how fast it flows, along with (supossedly) the photographers current level of exposure, and gives it a rating, along with the other photos, about 10 million uploaded that day.
Explore is dynamic... your picture, in relation to the other 10 million recieves a new rating daily. Every day, the photo can make it into the Explore, or lose its place.
The interestingness algorythm works real good, a casual stop on the explore page will almost always be interesting, but the algorythm works by community response statistics. This means it can track popular opinion, not artistic worth.
I have one picture in explore:

It has little artistic value, and is far from my best, but was weird enough to generate traffic at the right speed and intensity to make the cut. I would love for one of my photos to make it just because it was a great picture.
This is why I was dumbfounded when I logged into scout this morning and was informed that 1008 of my pictures had made it into Explore. I had completely forgotten about April Fools Day.

ohhh, where did the break go? Classes have begun again, and I did not even come close to unwinding properly. I got some good shots of the Riverwalk in Macon today, along with some nice ones of Colin, Debbie's grandson.

A 3 exposure HDR... the technological solution to a perfectly exposed photograph (not that this even comes close) but High Dynamic Range Imaging technology allows you to photograph a shot multiple times at different exposures, and then combine the images to get the best of both worlds (or three, or ten). I pulled over on the side of the road on the way home from Sendup, last night and caught this little series.

whew... the quarter is over (or will be for me, at about 12:30). This was my third, and hardest one. I will be free, scholastically, and another three days should see me finished up at work, paid and with an opportunity to get to the mountains for a little hiking time... It cannot happen soon enough for me. I look forward to wilderness trials of some new lightweight gear, and a digital, single lens reflex camera

I have not posted since last year. A couple apparently manageable situations swelled up, grew fangs, and broke free of their restraints, suddenly my daily routine was anything but ... I let a lot of stuff go: blogging, commenting, photography, sleep. This is a paper I was told to write... one where I attempt to persuade the audience to accept my viewpoint (fat chance! :D), and one where passive voice was obsessively avoided, under the red-inked lash of Mrs. Wilcox's correcting pen. This is why it possibly sounds nothing like me.  The issue is interesting, though it seems to only break the headline barrier when election looms on the horizon. Working through my opinions, and the reasons behind them, was an eye-opener for me, and made me remember with embarrassment an earlier time, when I would take words from the pulpit, slap a few out of context verses underneath them as a foundation, and adopt it as my personal doctrine. I practice a LOT more critical thinking now, I hope.

BTW... I found myself completely out of my depth in Mrs. Wilcox's eng 101 class. I could not have explained the difference between active and passive voice to save my life, but passive voice sure does come easier. One of the things we were taught to look for was the use of passive voice signal words, i.e.-

 have, has, had, do, does, did, be, am, is, are, were, being, been, can, could, may, might, must, shall, will, would, ought to. These counted off...16 of them would get you an F. It's really harder than it sounds... you should give it a try.  

Also, a few words about Andy Stanely: I've noticed if you google "Andy Stanely and Gay rights" this post is on the fourth page, and someone from south carolina googled " Andy Stanley Homosexual" and this post is the first entry...Go figure. once again, I'll have to finish this up later

The opposition of gay rights by Christians undermines Christian credibility and the spreading of the gospel. Popular culture uses the word “marriage” to refer to two different things. The institution ordained by God,[1] and the civil contract, often of short duration, facilitated by secular authorities.  Mainstream Christian religion struggles to prevent homosexuals from acquiring the benefits of the civil union, and where that has failed, to fight for a prohibition against using the term marriage to legally define long term cohabitative arrangements between members of the same sex. This hinders the dissemination and acceptance of the gospel, as well as the goodwill of a significant slice of the population that needs to hear it. Additionally, the legitimacy of Christian culture as salt and light suffers a negative impact in a world sorely lacking in clarity and palatable flavor. This mindset also conflicts with the examples of Jesus, and God the Father. The evangelical community best serves the agenda behind the Great Commission (Holy Bible, New International Version "Matthew 22.36") by keeping a healthy distance from a movement espousing  political aggression  against the homosexual population’s attempt to grasp equality.

Sadly, in a society of overwhelming literacy, busyness leaves the typical modern layman relatively unfamiliar with scripture, in contrast to the new testament Jew, who walked in a world where ninety-five to ninety-seven percent of his peers lacked the ability to read or write (Ortberg), but  shared a rich oral tradition with his community, and was required to memorize the Pentateuch prior to being granted the privileges of adulthood. This twenty-first century failing effectively handicaps critical thinking in the majority of Church attendees, encouraging a herd mentality/mob rule approach to the selective legislating of morality, targeting the Equal Rights for Gays issue. For a segment of the population with a divorce rate virtually indistinguishable from the rest of western culture, to draw a line in the sand over the sanctity of marriage, while remaining conspicuously silent on the issue of heterosexual cohabitation showcases a terrible arrogance.  

The critical thinking Christian, a grateful recipient of grace, should rejoice with love that gay people may, through legal commitment, obtain things that a heterosexual partner in marriage takes for granted: A more attractive tax status, the ability to provide affordable family health insurance, public acknowledgement of love for a spouse, and an environment that discourages promiscuous eroticism (Boteach).The ongoing attempts to deny these benefits to homosexuals contradict the doctrine of “love your neighbor as yourself” (Holy Bible, New International Version "Matthew 28.18-20"). It places the participant in the company of bigots and hypocrites, and flies in the face of the example of relational evangelism modeled in scripture by Jesus. In Mark 2:13 Jesus approaches Levi at the tax collection booth, and says simply:

“Follow Me.” (Holy Bible, New International Version "Mark 2.14").

Today’s reader tends to overlook the significance of this invitation. Israel, at this time a conquered nation, reserved its deepest contempt for the tax collector, a man employed by Roman authorities.  This man made the choice to grow rich from the subjugation of his countrymen. The tax collector warranted his own category, demonstrated by the biblical cliché “tax collectors and sinners” (Stanley, Simple "Follow").  Jesus commits the faux pas to end all faux pas, equivalent to inviting a known pedophile to tag along while he goes to pick up the kids. This shows bible readers ( not sermon listeners) the first step in evangelism according to Christ, the establishment of relationship. In the war of personal conflict, there exist two fronts: The battle of the heart, and the disagreement . Lasting peace necessitates harmony in both. Human selfishness tends to prioritize the argument, and having won, will from time to time magnanimously condescend to make overtures toward the vanquished heart. The wisdom of this method remains questionable. Remember, the victor deals with another selfish human, and human hearts can break upon losing an argument.  They become scarred, hardened, closed. They begin to malfunction. The loyalty of the defeated seldom manifests itself, and bitter tears provide excellent nourishment for the seeds of future discord. The opportunity for lasting peace withers away, choked out by the weeds of resentment. The issue arises again, and who knows the outcome? Victory in the matter of the disagreement decreases the probability of winning the battle of the heart. By winning the heart first, Jesus neatly sidesteps the problem of acrimony, and opens the door to win the argument, with reason and loving example in the near future.This rationale lies behind his unconditional invitation to “Follow me”. (Stanley, "Life Rules")

Jesus’ logic follows a precedent, not a radical departure from God’s previous treatment of humanity. After all, he did only the will of the Father. For example, Israel receives the Ten Commandments only after a dramatic rescue and three months divine babysitting during a walk through the desert (Holy Bible, New International Version "Exodus 19.1-8"). Three months after trying God’s patience time and again. Three months after God says: “Follow me.” Three months after God makes an impression. When the Church takes an aggressive stance against gay marriage, it communicates a message diametrically opposed to “Follow me”. It communicates a message that undermines Christian credibility and the spreading of the gospel. It communicates someone else’s message. The critically thinking believer asks himself:

“Whose message is that? Why would the average man or women spare the time necessary for aggressive intolerance?”

The difficulties of life demand the bulk of the average person’s attention. Western humanity rushes about at a frantic pace, driven to wallow in it’s prosperity, often thoughtless as to the source of the blessings. The Christian that gives credence to scripture understands that a loving God, allows himself to be opposed. God permits the existence of evil for the sake of good, and a desire for voluntary faithfulness. Free will, seldom swayed by power, makes love possible. Phillip Yancy explains this with compelling clarity:

“In a concentration camp, as so many witnesses have told us, the guards possess nearly unlimited power. By applying force, they can make you renounce your God, curse your family, Work without pay, eat human excrement, kill and then bury your closest friend or even your own mother. All this is within their power. Only one thing is not: they cannot force you to love them.

The fact that love does not operate according to the rules of power may help explain why God sometimes seems shy to use his power. He created us to love him, but his most impressive displays of miracle—the kinds we may secretly long for—do nothing to foster that love.”

Mr. Yancy goes on to quote Douglas John Hall, author of God and Human Suffering: “God’s problem is not that God is not able to do certain things. God’s problem is that God loves. Love complicates the life of God as it complicates every life.” (Yancey)

The questions remain: “Whose message is that? Why would the average man or women spare the time necessary for aggressive intolerance?”

Seventy years in the past, as God watches from a timeless eternity, people in a supposedly Christian nation decide a minority population that believes the wrong thing threatens the way of life they desire to recapture. Their world falls apart, the different ones the source of their problems. They hear another message, that it’s okay to treat the wrong people the wrong way. It’s okay to give them less than the right people, the good people. Less privileges, less rights, less space, less freedom, less food, and less air. Seventy years spans less than the blink of the divine eye. God watches, with omnipotence held in check, unlimited power in voluntary restraint. He desires the love of humanity, toward himself and each other (Holy Bible, New International Version "Matthew 22.36"), and waits in divine abdication for humanity to get off this familiar path. He waits for his people to exercise the free will bestowed in love, for the sake of love, to foster that love. He waits for the Church to realize that the opposition of gay rights by Christians undermines Christian credibility and the spreading of the gospel. I wish we would hurry up.

 Works Cited

Holy Bible, New International Version "Mark 2.14". Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2006.

Holy Bible, New International Version "Matthew 22.36". Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2006.

Holy Bible, New International Version "Matthew 28.18-20". Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2006.

Life rules. By Andy Stanley. Perf. Andy Stanley. Northpoint Community Church, Alpharetta.

Simple "Follow". By Andy Stanley. Perf. Andy Stanley. Northpoint Community Church, Alpharetta .

Yancey, Phillip. Disappointment With God. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1988.

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SOOC... I am perhaps tickled with this all out of proportion to the uniqueness of the shot but I usually don't fart around with the "manual" setting... my MOD has been based on the philosophy that "even if a complete idiot takes 1000 pictures... he'll get a few good ones" and that has worked for me. LOL. The manual settings thing is a result of my desire to get the hang of HDR imaging. Hey, it might help me grow, huh? I gotta back off till the Christmas break, though. I'm really WAY too busy this quarter. The photo obsession thing has run away with me before..

I am alive. School is extremely demanding, lately, or perhaps it is simply my ability to perform... I made straight A's last quarter... WHOOO HOOO!!!, and seem to have broken the blogging addiction...oops... i just piddled around for an hour trying to find a link.

Disclaimer: This is not my work, either in the original photo or the postprossesing. As near as I can figure it was done by Jill Greenberg, who, along with Dave Hill have achieved fame/notoriety with their photo processing style. It is something I myself have never tried (yet!) but seems to involve multiple light sources, and of course, a masterful hand with processing software. This style makes the photoartist in me grin in jealous admiration :)

Well, it's been a while since I posted a picure I took. My perspective and sense of accomplishment changes, and the first insect macros that thrilled me so much, didn't seem all that great after surfing through some of the content on the web, especially some of the amatuer photos uploaded on flickr. This recent shot, taken a few days at the campus pond, I am really pleased with. :)
she looks great on black

Do they always give you more antibiotics than they do pain pills? I have a tooth that has been killing me since thursday night, and I took the last two Darvosets about twenty hours ago. I actually had to take my GMC 100 final slightly stoned on opiates... I'll post my score when I get it.

The Tooth Thing, and anything like it, makes me aware (painfuly, lol) that I am one of the uninsured. When this comes up, It's always with mixed feelings.

At 41, I am just beginning to experience medical conditions that would benefit from ongoing management by an actual doctor. So, hand in hand with my self-pity (just a little) I keep the background awareness of millions of people with immediate life-and-death health issues that make my own pale in comparison. But my tooth still hurts. affecting my eating, sleeping, and performance. I wonder how much awareness, on a national level is shunted aside, how much action is not taken, because my "tooth still hurts", because I'm "limping away from the wreckage of my divorce", because the "grief over the unexpected passing of my Father still colors my life"... 

I try to concentrate on my life. There is always something that needs attention, and for another four weeks, my highest priority is school. Politics disgust me. They stir up my cynicism like nothing else. I feel like the system is so twisted, that a man unwilling to make compromises to his integrity stands little chance of victory in a presidential election. For much of my adult life, I have heard people talk of voting for the "lesser of two evils" . This is sad. I have received, from the pulpit of a small baptist church, the message that God stood with the party that was unequivocally against gay marriage. Time and again I have gotten the subtle, or not so subtle sentiment that Christians and Republicans had shared, and overlapping interests, that GOP really stood for "God's Own Party". I don't believe that. I have (shamefully) first hand knowledge of such things as the love of money, and the abuse of power. I have a definite opinion about the electoral process, and the long -overdue, radical reforms that would be so easily accomplished with our current technology. The self-seeking issues that seem so important bring to mind treating Dysentery with pepto-bismol. I think I am spoiled. I am by this country's standards perhaps upper-lower class, or extreme lower-middle class. I struggle to pay my bills, but if I want, right now, I can go outside and spew drinking water all over my grass. I live in the lap of a prosperous luxury inconcievable to millions of people, Who will die without hearing the Gospel. We as a nation have the concerns of rich spoiled children. Every once in awhile, I get a bad feeling. I know that I am politically naive. I know that I am in a crisis that can only happen to a blessed individuals. I call them Cadillac problems. I am too busy to take the time to become politically literate. Malcolm Gladwell talks of "thin slicing", the amazing ability of our God-Given minds to "blink" and process information at a subconscious level much more quickly, and with greater reliability than conscious reasoning. I am apolitical, and intend to remain so. But I will not vote for John Mcain. He scares me. and if he dies in office... well, that scares me too.

Racism is a funny thing. Sadly enough, the deepest, most accurate understanding of it's nature is facilitated in the individual who has been both victimizer and victim. (of course, this only applies to those who are spiritually awake... the ones who understand they are/were double agents - like Paul after his momentous road trip) Furthermore, if and when repentance comes, when the innermost self acknowledges racism, that it is there, and abominable, a fascinating clarity is achieved. A man begins to see shades, and degrees. He realizes, from the double perspective, how pettiness and pride can contribute to poor prioritization, in dealing with multiple racism issues and how the subtle ones can be as dangerous as the high profile. There is also the understanding that much ( not all) of the progress is superficial in nature, treating the symptom rather than disease.

I noticed early in my experience of community (It began with support groups, and moved into Bible studies, and now has become something more authentic- I have a few intimate friends, and am blessed to be able to engage more deeply as time goes by...) That I was better at talking about my feelings than I was at feeling them. Talking about my emotions in detail became for me, a way of actually escaping the raw emotional turmoil of trajedy, burying it so that It haunted me rather than dealing with it and moving on. It seems to me, that God calls me to a deeper more personal walk alongside him, and lately, I am  alone more than I have been in years. Studies take up a great deal of my time, and though I feel somewhat disconnected, I know that this is only for a season. (It should actually improve in about 4 more weeks.) Grief in the past has been something to run from, cover, or deny in busyness, and though I am busy, It seems that many of the tools I used to avoid the process have been removed. Flitting to and fro in the blogosphere and obsessively photographing nearly anything, has had to take a back seat to matters of greater import, and as a result, I find myself moving through emotions, and seeing a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. My good friend Kemp lost his father a few days ago, and stopping by to express my condolences evidently stirred up a little emotion. I later found myself at home alone, and came across the cache of old photographs that my Father left behind when He moved on from this world.  It occurs to me that me, and possibly my sister  are the only ones who know the story behind these old black and white photographs. My Father was a photo enthusiast, back in the day when that meant nailing plywood over the guestroom windows so you could develop your own prints. Electronics were huge, filled with vacuum tubes. My Dad's first calculator was 75 dollars and the size of a brick. this was back when when he made less than $275 a month. I can remember that these pictures were already around, before the Casio miracle. If I had to guess, these were taken around 1969. it was a wonderful surprise to stumble across them after He died. These pics are, I think of a place called Niko (not sure about the spelling) it was an area of Japan that was thick with shrines. Like most pictures, it looks better on an uncluttered black background

 the indispensable prerequisite to all personal growth. Ya just can't have too much of it, and if it is lacking, it will sooner or later be felt. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" but Christ must have something to strengthen. Andy Stanley tells us that yesterday we "wrote a chapter" in our story, the saga that chronicles the unavoidable change in our character. The question is which way did we go? Did we progress, or regress? Is our path in a consistent direction? All to often, I go forward and backward In great loops, content to trudge upward ever so slowly, satisfied that I am better than I used to be. 

I photoshopped this one, just barely. Adjusted the saturation on the bird herself, only (I guess she's female. Aren't the males the colorful ones?... strange.). I didn't touch the sharpness, I've never been happy with the results when I do that. Even though she's a little blurry, I've posted her because she is in a TREE, not sucking juice out of a FEEDER. Kinda like the difference between hunting with a bow versus hunting with a gun... We know who is the more accomplished huntsman :D . I have seen pictures of hummers tamed to the point of being hand fed, which I'll not post, because they make me jealous. But the hummers in MY backyard don't play that... to get close enough for this shot, and to raise up the ol' finepix S8100fd without spooking her made me feel quite the wildlife photographer... ala Ilia Shalamaev (I wish!)

She Looks a Lot Better On An Uncluttered Black Background!

 Is that morbid? If you send an undeliverable message, at least on Yahoo!, you will get a reply from the "Mailer Daemon". I half-expected that to happen, but evidently the account is still taking incoming mail. I missed my Dad so much, and needed so badly to talk to him about the emotional and logistical cataracts and white water that my life has become. It was pretty raw,  I wanted to engage and at some point, in my mind's eye the intended recipient grew blurry, and it was unclear if I was writing an FYI/lamentation to my deceased father, or a prayer of supplication to my Father In Heaven.  it did me a lot of good, get get some things out onto paper, if only the virtual kind. I cannot over-endorse the benefits of writing down thoughts for the severely attention deficit. Hopefully, Dad's widow, Rosemary doesn't check the account, or she may feel the need to send the Men in White Coats, but I figure the probability of that is low. CyberSpace has never had any attraction for her. 

Jenny is my good friend Ryan's wife (Gotta get a pic of Ryan, I don't have any) .I have really plugged my blog, in hopes that Jenny will drop by. She is so creative, I am hoping this humble little thing will inspire her to join the blogging community. She's got a helluva story. Anyway, I blogged her picture hoping it would be a pleasant surprise if she shows up :D

said donkey is a computer algorithm that ranks every photo uploaded to Flickr . Naturally, the specifics are a closely guarded secret. Flickrphiles speculate as to what makes the Magic Donkey neigh. amount of traffic to a photo is surely a factor, but other than that, none of the general public seems to know, which keeps it honest. The algorithm determines interestingness, and seems to work really well. 500 pictures a day are put up on explore and they are for the most part, interesting, really. Check it out. The explore page will give you a fresh picture every time you reload, as well as a few other browsing options.
 Go figure. 

I may have bitten off more than I can chew ( I hope not.) My fourth class is "how to study for idiots 101" it's only 2 credit hours, crammed into 4 Saturdays from 8:30 to 1:30. It is a prerequisite for any student whose placement test lands him in a remedial subject. Now, since I already had to give up one of my precious slots to math 99 I was reluctant to take Idiots 101 and only have one class left to work toward my degree (I am FORTY-ONE. Times-a-wastin'). So, over twenty years after being asked to leave high school - early, by the way, I have taken a fourth class. I am overwhelmed. The pitiful excuse I have for a daily routine needs to be tightened up drastically, and fine tuned. I must somehow make it through the next eight weeks, I have too much invested, and need a sucess or two under my belt. 

My biology professor is a hoot... this is our 4th class and we have yet to be given a syllabus. He has lectured on sailing, given a brief review of the movie "wind", and today, we watched an interview with Dr. Christian Du Duve, a Nobel Lauriate who won (with 2 others) the prize in medicine in1974. as I write this now, he is discoursing on harpsichord music and Handel's Messiah
he said we won't be tested on any of this...

There is a huge (flock?) of geese that hang out at the campus pond. I got out of math about an hour early, yesterday, and strolled around waiting to go to my CIS class, and took a few pictures.

Riddle: Often, when you look up and see a "V" of migrating birds in the sky, one arm of the "V" is slightly longer than the other. Why is this?

Answer

Ya Really Gotta View It On A Black Background, Here.

I no longer believe that Satan's every action is taken with Divine permission. Satan may quite possibly be a free agent, acting on his own agenda beneath Divine soveriegnity, like most of us humans. The Idea that Satan does only what is permitted comes from passages in Job1;12, and Job2:6 where the God sets boundaries for the Satanic Torment of Job, and in Luke 22;31 where Jesus Informs Peter that Satan has asked for the right to "sift" him. Now, the Job thing looks to us, like a very civil discussion/debate. A wager. ("Job holds you in reverence and respect, but only because you take care of him. I'll bet if you let me kick his ass for a while, he will become bitter enough toward you to lose his temper") now the content here is so interesting, perhaps the greatest challenge is not to get off the subject, but anytime two parties with differing opinions agree to an experiment to see who is right, it is common to lay out some boundaries.

Mother says to Dad, "I'll bet junior will eat up the Haagen Daz Macadamia Brittle you have been hoarding within 2 days if you move it from the garage freezer and put in in the kitchen, next to the Mayfield vanilla.

Dad replies " You're on! but you must not remove the Mayfield nor withhold meals from junior."

What we see here is agreement on boundaries, not Mother being incapable of moving ice cream. To be sure, the average dad has the physical power to prevent mom from moving the Mayfield, but saying that is not the same thing as saying Mom takes no action without permission.

I am thinking that Satan has at least as much autonomy as we do. Choice is a prerequisite for evil, as well as love.

I was told early in my Christian Walk( I've always thought that term was cheesy, wish we would get a new one.), that Satan did only what he was permitted to. A baptist pastor told me this, and I was reminded of it last Tuesday.

My Current Pastor has been showing up bi-monthly for a Q&A, though, to be sure very few questions are answered (we just get more and better ones!), However, He actually did allow me to pin him down- (He was possibly thrown off balance by my lightning-fast change of subject.) When I asked him if he believed in Satanic Autonomy. He answered No. This is not a rare stance, and I one that I held myself until recently... I don't know if he has taken that opinion out of his doctrinal library and placed it on the table for reexamination or not, but I certainly have.

I think constantly. Most of us do. Occaisionally, when reading, or just being aware of the stream of conciousness flowing through my brain, a thought/concept kinda "jumps" up a little... pops into bas-relief and I will either give it closer consideration or slam my open mind shut in discomfort. (There's a post there, I think.), But I think that these instances, and any thought, for that matter, have three possibly origins: Divine, Demonic, Or ME.

Anyway to get off the rabbit trail, I jumped to this common conclusion as well, after reading the Bible. The Passage in Job where Satan is told what he can do to ruin Job's life, a " you can go this far, but no farther" sort of thing is perhaps the most noted scriptural instance where a first read would let a man think that Satan is a puppet... another little blurb is when Simon Peter has blustered about how tight he is with Jesus, but the Light of the World responds by informing Rocky, that the shallowness of his loyalty will be exposed before the rooster crows. I think this is in Luke. Just prior to this, Jesus tells Peter that Satan asked to sift him "like wheat".

To me, this is deep stuff. I ponder this from the intellectual shallows of my 9th grade education, and I wonder if this/these passage are sufficient to support the doctrine of Satanic Dis-Autonomy (is that a word?). I don't think so. For reasons I will detail in my next post, I will explain why I no longer believe this is Chiseled in Stone, and that Satan may quite possibly be a free agent, acting on his own agenda. :D  

The first week of school, A little behind on my reading, but I feel, prepared for my first test monday. I have have some feelings of trepidation, over finance, and time management, the pressure of juggling a couple of days a week of work, my studies, the obligations of my guardianship over my invalid aunt, and relationships: romance with Debbie, building bridges with my family, and establishing/maintaining intimacy with members of my small group, and church community. I  believe relationships are the most important thing, and that we most closely resemble the image of the Living God when we interact in loving community, and that are power to do good is multiplied exponentially when we cooperate, The whole being greater than the sum of its parts. The question is, how to do the next right thing? Is it a question of seasons, and should some things simply be sacrificed, or curtailed for the next four years? These are hard decisions. And what of my love of photography, and my need to escape to the mountains, to recharge, and reach the quiet, lonely places to better hear the voice of my Father in Heaven?

after jumping through many hoops, I am once again enrolled in an accredited institution in the university system of the Great state of Georgia! I am hungry for a little blog action, and a night of browsing, lurking, and commenting would be wonderful, but my studies call, and its getting late. :D

that to divorce is a bad thing... in one paraphrase, however, he specifies an exception for an unfaithful spouse. This gets complicated, the verses are many, the applicable contexts that must be considered, are convoluted, and the modern denominational prejudice against divorcees, especially here in the south-  do nothing to promote clear thinking. I have a dear friend, respected and wise, who was probably a virgin on her wedding night (the lady is a proper christian widow approaching 80... I am not going to ask her to confirm this) Who expressed concern at where Debbie, my  girlfriend had spent the weekend. The conversation left me feeling embarrassed,  defensive, and uncomfortable, as well as mildly aggravated with gossip, though in this particular instance, gossip was not the source of my friend's information. My point, Is that it seems kinda silly, sometimes to be overly concerned with a biblical view on sexual purity, if your take is that, according to Jesus, all post-divorce sex is adultery. There is just not a little voice in my head saying "Don't have sex... keep the biblical boundaries of sexual purity" Unfortunately, I need some kind of hope other than a life of sexual abstinence until death (you can make a scriptural argument that this is God's Will for the divorcee, at least the baptists can, as well as Andy Stanley, one of my favorite communicators.) to motivate me. I really need to take some time and delve into this. Looking at my past, and the reality around me, I realize the enormous power God chose place in human sex. The Fire... it's ability for nurture or destruction is something I have a healthy respect for. I cannot find the willingness to seriously contemplate a lifetime without warmth, and if I shall be disobedient,  Why not now, after I have lost hope of Sex with Gods approval, than later, after having committed to remarriage against his will, though with the approval of the judgemental ?

"Faith may be described as an attitude of trust adopted in the face of our ignorance of God."- Jeremy Young.

this little guy just showed up and posed 1st thing this mornin' I would love to know what it is... I don't think he's a dragonfly.

I have to go to Atlanta. Now. Because of some strange policies in place at the georgia military college, that I have been trying to get into because this makes my life more simple,(you dont have to buy books) in the long run... I will pick up a piece of paper that would take 4 weeks to get here.

He's not gonna take no for an answer. 

Dog toys are funny things. Jack is pretty good about keeping up with them, but over time they do get lost, only to reappear a little time down the road. He  LOVES this thing... and it seems, in the last few days to have gone away.

the inevitable invitation to view him on a black background

an attempt to get artsy, to step beyond my usual Great Big Bug Picture and photograph something with a broader appeal... It really should be viewed on a black background to be appreciated

This too, I like...

I am pretty pleased with this pic... I feel like I am approaching the limits of what I can do without upgrading my camera, or moving much more slowly

Happy but not satisfied... it's a good thing I'm broke - I would blow the power bill on feeders and bright red annuals.
I know I haven't been posting consistently. I know, I am letting down my loyal readers - both of you... Hang in there.

like most Ideals, can never be reached, but like most disciplines, I can set markers up along the path, goals that approach the Ideal with ever-increasing proximity. For instance, I will never reach my fantasy level of physical conditioning, with the sculpted abs, rock hard biceps and wrangler filling buttocks of a disciplined man of leisure (what a concept!) however... I can exercise enough to maintain a reasonable level of physical fitness. Right? And there are people Who are good at it, those beings with high level of function, and a marked shortage of Dys in their lives. It's there... it's not the same slap-you-in-the-face case that permeates almost every level of my existence. I wonder what I can do about this, and if balance is even a VALID CONCEPT

Has reached into my psyche and grabbed me at a fundamental level... In February I uploaded my first of what I think of as family archive pics to Flickr, the Yahoo! Photo sharing service. It was a neat little deal, I thought, something I could fart around with. A few weeks ago, The borders of my life were drastically redrawn, and as coping mechanisms, I started posting to my blog more consistently, purchased a couple of cameras, and began in earnest as I discovered how effective photography, writing, and interaction with the online community could be in temporarily escaping pain. Now blogging, I love... but it is difficult, and writing for me is a slow, torturous process. (I have heard creativity described as birth pangs, but being a male, I must equate it to extreme constipation, that has reached a critical level, and will be resolved, either with happy, excruciating pain, or death. you know what I mean...) and my writing is definitely better some days than others. Photography, on the other hand rewards volume, and if you take enough pictures, you gonna get a jewel sooner or later. Mamma's Losin' It claims to be an "attention craving poodle", and I can identify with this, though I am not a purebred. As my nuclear family dissolved, and my web traffic went through a tiny climb, I realized that attention, even fleeting, and from perfect strangers, felt good, and my pictures have gotten more than my blog. As a writer, and a photographer, my skills hover a RRCH over mediocrity, with the occasional shining moment, but photography is easier and burns more calories. My friend Insane Mamma (not her real name... there is a Stalker out there) reminds us the life-changing circumstances and events can hardwire associations between stimuli and memories and photos can surely be a trigger, like scents, and music, but they can also do this on a more general level bringing up feelings of 

 And I might Be...My wife is dating one of my friends. She called me from his phone this afternoon. It's the weirdest  feeling. My heart is healing... maybe? There is frustration inside directed at my father in Heaven as I struggle with my issues of sexual purity. On the one hand, I see the wisdom of many of the accepted church teachings on the morality of sex, and God's rules for fidelity, and it's protective role in preserving a healthy nuclear family. My own dysfunction, and the baggage I see around me makes a good case for it, But what about me? I have lost, or never had any sexual purity by Church Standards, (what do I have to lose?)and God's Standards are somewhat different. The Church position on lust is, I believe, a misinterpretation of scripture, that guilt trips possibly millions of Evangelical Men (yeah, I went there!). Now, this is kinda freaky, but a graduate of the Church Of God (uh huh, those guys) Bible Institute has a discourse on the Church's faulty definition of lust in, of all things, an article on OMG! masturbation! (I know, I know!). Part of me wants to take comfort in the closeness of physical intimacy with someone who loves me very much, and the reasons I keep from doing so become more suspect as I delve into truth. Why Torture myself? I agree with Denver Cheddie's take on the faultiness of the Church's definition of lust. (though some of his other stuff, I reserve judgement on... it's fascinating a read, though) If the Church definition of immorality is similarly skewed, there has been a terrible joke played on a lot of people. Of course, the Church would never abuse thousands, just ask the victims of the Inquisition, The Crusades, or the Salem Witches. I don't wanna  get on my soap box, But I just can't help it, tonight. My bitterness runs close to the suface, and the legitimacy of the the Canon is questionable if you read the bible in english, which I touch on in my comment on Chris Taylor's Blog regarding Peter's statement to the new Christian men about cutting off their foreskins, among other things. Thank God I was done at birth.

I know, this is getting redundant.

Jack is the best Dog in the world, He's 15

The bugs seldom cooperate by sitting still. this photo was originally backlit, but thank God for PhotoShop. Brightness and Saturation was adjusted, no color substitution was made...the original is uploaded in a side by side but justice is done to him Here

Anyway, I brought home from the mountains a ton of pictures to sort, and a few foundational truths to rebuild my faith on... and rather than repost this list every time I update it, I shall edit as the days go by...

1. The Universe is the result of Intelligent design. Even a layman's passing awareness of the laws of entropy preclude the serious consideration that the space-time continuum is an accident.
2. The appearance of Jesus, the Christ, Yeshua Ben-Joseph, is established History.
3. Yeshua claimed to be one with the Creator, The God of Abraham, The God of Issac,  Adonai, Yaweh. His credentials, were established beyond question when He rose from the dead.
4. The veracity of scripture is not in question, for me. By the established protocols of archeological discipline, we have more copies, closer in age to the originals, than any other ancient manuscripts (reference)  
5. The Gospels are the word of God, inspired in a way we cannot completely comprehend, divine truth nonetheless flavored with the personalities of the authors Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
6. Jesus, accepted the Torah. I must accept the Old Testament in it's entirety... in matters such as these, I gotta go with the Guy That Rose From The Dead.
7. Jesus, did not preach on the Ten Commandments, (perhaps we should follow that model) What he did stress, was that  we " Love ⁴⁵  the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ ⁴⁶  22:38This is the first and greatest ⁴⁷  commandment. 22:39 The second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁸  22:40 All the law and the prophets depend ⁴⁹  on these two commandments.” now interestingly enough, this places the emphasis on the first commandment, and indicates that if we treat the people around us poorly, we dishonor it. Hmmm...That makes things simple, though still impossible. Surely there must be a balance between Grace, and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit.  "Love your neighbor as yourself" completely removes any justification for self-righteousness and the prerequisite hypocrisy. These were the sins that Jesus spoke against, and he reserved the one scriptural incident of premeditated violence for those men who were fleecing the poor with the backing of established religion. your Jesus' pet peeve was self righteousness, and taking advantage of the poor pissed him off to the point where he actually beat people up. (Mark, 11;17)....

Insane Mama's  blog this morning.  As a few comments have showed up, here and there, and I have surfed links, from blog to blog, the connections have taken me many places... When I first stumbled across her posting on a Stalker, I was captivated, and quickly caught up on all the installments. Other than the James Saga, I browse lightly, since I cannot even find the time keep up with my own writing. I have not gone through Miss Insane's archives, but this morning's posting seemed to be of an unusual flavor, though well written, as always. It comforted me, possibly because a lot of my own posting seems to be an exploration of pain. 

I gotta thank pioneer woman... she's got some great tutorials, and reminded me about photoshop elements... I had downloaded the free trial a few months ago (I am all about a free trial!!) and promptly forgot about it after the grace period ran out. This edit job may seem little cliche to the accomplished photographer, but I had a lot of fun. Photoshop and OCD really complement each other. this is the SOOC (I just learned what that means!)

He has a better sense of smell (though, I probably smell better), a better sense of hearing, and probably better eyesight, since I have the eyes of a man 30 years older... also, he is more agile, and better looking. Kelsie took a picture of me yesterday, and I have never seen myself more repulsive, lol. I would post a link( or maybe I wouldn't) but I have reached my upload limit for this month on my photostream. I refuse to pay 30 bucks for a pro account at least until I have made it up to the mountains... These days, that's a hundred bucks gas, if I go straight there and straight back

 

I still find it almost impossible to get to sleep at a decent hour. I have gotten out of bed, ran down to to the store and fetched some cigarettes (I find lately, I am unable to muster up the courage to quit). It's been a while since I was at the store after midnight... kinda interesting clientele.

Macon State College has offended me. Over twenty years ago I attended on a GED after being thrown out of high school at 17, and promptly flunked out. I have transferred there this semester, on the honor roll at my previous school, and they have withheld my financial aid for academic performance. WTF? It's been two decades! This is probably for the best, with Dad dying unexpectedly and the whole divorce thing. Starting four classes a week after the funeral would not have been fun. But the appeals process is frustrating. I had set up my finances to live as a full time student, and things are just getting so complicated. I can't sign off on the house until the divorce is final, I have discontinued my advertising none of my plans seem to be working out. After painting or driving nails all day, I have little energy to fill out paperwork, be supportive of my father's widow, and tend to my Aunt, since I have become her guardian. 

I just need to get to the mountains. It's been too long. The last night I was there, New Years Day the hiker Meredith Emerson was killed, and I never even left the trailhead. It was snowing, and I had the creepiest feeling. I remember taking a leak, and my spirit screaming at me to GET BACK IN THE TRUCK!. I rode the trailhead loop several times, and just couldn't get okay with walkin' up the mountain in the dark. I ended sliding down snowy, two-lane blacktop to Dalonega, getting coffee and driving home. Not being much for newspapers, and watching TV It was a phone call from Kentucky that put me in the loop a few days later. Its been months since I thought of that night. Over the last few days, as I have been gathering up the shredded remnants of my faith, I find my hindsight revealing divine guidance, I just have a hard time making everything fit, and living in the moment. 

I love this shot... I have been so lost in the macro thing lately... I forgot about people. A couple friends asked me to take a few photo's at a fundraiser I had never in my life had a chance to photograph so many people, who mostly ignored me. I had great time.

whooo hoooo!!! I am not content... but I am pleased that I have at least gotten this far...there are technical aspects of macro focusing that I do not understand completely. I have seen some pics that blow me away... like this one This woman is one of my faves

or a sunflower, without archie's truck in the background

I am finally starting to have a little luck with the macro/closeup thing...my fantasy is to get an insect...

connection, a fleeting sense of my Savior's prescence. I wonder about Gods will...,His plan for me, and is my will confusing the issue for him (I am so powerful, after all lol). This post is killing me, a sentence every third day...I still struggle with depression, but my friend nudged me, and one of my rare commenter's said that "Blogging helps for me - sometimes". I think I need time alone to process, and give my God space to work in my heart, to promote the forming of scabs over wounds that are still so fresh. I also need community, The living anchors that God has placed in my life. This balance is difficult to reach. I hunger for routine, believing that habit, when harnessed, lets you multi task, accomplishing chores, errands, while your concentration is fixed on Life, and walking in love. Routine, is such an elusive thing for me...for instance, I never get ready the same way two mornings in a row. In my mind it is almost an Idol. It brings to mind the ritualism that permeates so much denominational Christianity. Religion, as opposed to relationship. That is not to say (OMG! I am actually writing!!!) that ritual kills relationship...I once had a girlfriend who would bring me coffee and set it on the nightstand...strong, sweet, and creamy-I can taste it now. This became a comfort to me, and before long, I began returning the favor. This small act, became steeped in associations of love and nurturing, ( for me, at least) both the giving and the receiving became a relational act that was of low intensity, but powerful impact.
Ahh, lookit that. I just softened a little, toward religianity! I actually could chase this rabbit for a while, but it is Midnight, and exhaustion makes me miserable, and I need to preserve what little edge I have...

I grow uncomfortable with the direction my thoughts goto. My posting has degenerated from speculation about life and theology, to whining, self pity and pain. It's kind of embarrassing. I even became a tad rude and arrogant in response to a comment here It has been a little cathartic I'm sure, but it has also been a distraction from working through a lot of my feelings( what a pity!) I have been watching this trend and doing nothing about it, probably in self-preservation. I have struggled with some unhealthy coping behavior in my past, and I think you never really lose a bad habit...It's like riding a bicycle. You may keep it in the shed, gathering dust, and not ride for quite some time, or even get rid of the bicycle completly, But you ain't forgot how to ride, I promise you. and Wal-Mart, Target, and Toys r Us, are littered with new and better bikes. If in the broadest sense sin, or "missing the mark" is simply falling short of perfection, Then perhaps, for the Christian, it is an addiction to depravity...the compulsion/obsession with choosing the will of the flesh over the will of the Spirit within. It also occurs to me, that these thoughts, expressed outside of prayer are like a man having sex several times a week with his mistress. He is less inclined to seek intimacy at home. (I love Rob Bell's book sex god: exploring the endless conections between sexuality and spirituality). There is a correlation, possibly, between my rant on post, and my continued dryness of prayer/meditiation. I wonder which is cause, and which is effect, and do they flip-flop?

This morning, at the men’s breakfast. We were studying the passage in Daniel, where he interprets Neb’s dream, and Dr. Dan, who has been teaching for the last few weeks, was talking about God’s sovereignty and total control, and it really rubbed me the wrong way. My anger and frustration came out and I questioned the canonization/rejection of ancient writing, the leading of the spirit, and made an argument for the voluntary abdication of divine power and control for the sake of free will, the indispensable precursor to Love. I was perhaps arrogant, and definitely raw, as well as short on sleep. (These men, mostly older, wiser, and much more successful than me, have been so patient over the last year). This episode was mildly embarrassing to me, but I find I have a hunger to reconnect with my God…

I go to three bible studies/small groups. I cannot imagine what state I would be in without those connections. While I have not renounced my faith, there is undeniable repproach in my "personal" relationship with God, who seems so silent, when I want most to hear him, and my prayers/private devotions have been practically non-existant. My Thursday night group is listed on the church calendar as the "misfits" possibly because we are mostly new Christians (I don't know about Bonnie...), but for the first week of my Father's death, I needed a babysitter (for myself!) and Bonnie and Janel especially, stepped right up to the plate, though neither has known me long. Andy Stanley states that spiritual maturity is indicated "not by how much you know-but by how well you love", that familiarity with principles and doctrine are a means to an end, good only insamuch as they improve our knowlege of, and resemblance to, the Character of Jesus Christ. I have made poor choices during episodes of devastating pain more than once. Or twice. Or three times. With their support, I seem to have made it through the first week...They gave me food, company, and money ( I am a very small contractor, and an unplanned week without working, during a divorce and move left me unable to buy so much as a can of coffee). The Misfits, have been for me, a classic example of what Jesus meant when he instructed the knowledgable pharisee to "go and do likewise"

though I still dont sleep well. I went to the men's breakfast, showed my ass a little, and may possibly have convinced some of them that I am a heretic. Feel in the mood to actually write something today, but I gotta go to work.

I can't seem to move, really. I can wander from room to room, but purpose escapes me. I stumble across memories...How could I have expected to begin functioning today? I know I scheduled an appointment, but I cannot for the life of me find the data, location, time. I feel worse. and different, and disconnected than ever before. I'm not drinking enough water. The task of programming the coffee pot taxes my intellect. I feel my lower back degenerating as I neglect my physical therapy. Prayer seems a joke. I could sit here all day. I would read my bible, but to reach for it would require some strange effort that feels foreign to me, I cannot muster up the energy to even engage in self destructive behavior. lol. It's a long walk to the toothbrush. I can't unpack a box, clean my vehicle, run a vacuum. activate spellcheck. Log in to check my financial aid. find a pair of socks. decide how to end my post

I am so glad this week is over. I felt a constant strain, a pressure to do and speak in a way that would honor my father. In the midst of it, as divorce came over the horizon, the situation with my wife was so confusing, her compassion, and the knowledge that the love one rightfully expects from a spouse was absent, were a source of an explosive cocktail of emotion. I was never comfortable enough to concentrate on my grief. Understanding, rage, disappointment, and bitterness were exhausting me, even now I would do almost anything to be free of them, if only for a little while. Every time she tells me to let her know if I need anything it breaks my heart.

He was so cold the moisture in an air-conditioned funeral home was condensing on his head. this was because he was not embalmed. My father's wife asked them to hold off on the cremation so that my sister could see him one last time.
A couple of years ago, a man co-ordinating a retreat asked me to teach on the study of scripture. He said the Holy Spirit directed his request. I was sick with anxiety. I had never before felt humbled and greatly honored simultaneously. While researching, I stumbled across another author quoting Philip Yancy's Disappointment With God:

• “Power can do everything but the most important thing: it cannot control love. In a concentration camp, the guards possess almost unlimited power. By applying force, they can make you renounce your God, curse your family, Work without pay, eat human excrement, kill and then bury your closest friend or even your own mother. All this is within their power. Only one thing is not: they cannot force you to love them. This fact may help explain why God sometimes seems shy to use his power. He created us to love him, but his most impressive displays of miracle—the kinds we may secretly long for—do nothing to foster that love.”

When It became clear that I was getting a divorce, I purchased the book and read it in it's entirety. In my emotoinally raw state, Phillip's writing struck me powerfully. Possibly a week or ten days after I completed it, I found myself reeling from the death of my father. At this time it feels as though I read it years ago.The divorce papers sit in a kitchen cabinet in my new, beautiful, empty house, unsigned. My to do list has been put on hold, at least until tuesday. Since the tornadoes passed through the Macon state campus, I'm told that this semester will not begin on time. Last month, I could look back on the last six or seven years, and God's hand on my life seemed undeniable. My sight grows dim, My dreams are a joke, and I wonder if I deceived myself. I have journals going back to a time when I wrote prayers to a God whose name I did not know, I know If I could bring myself to read through them, I could trace my path as my Savior drew me to Him, and taught me his name. My faith is in shreds, I am suspicious even when comforted. Seven years Papa. 10 percent of my life. I have followed you, as best I could. My anger grows, I am surprised and fear you. I'm sorry. I have never been more aware of the gulf between souls. I know many suffer greater pain than this. I am so tired in the deepest part of me I yearn for rest. Reassure me of your love. Tell me again that this matters to you.

He died. It is likely that after 16 minutes of CPR he would have not been himself if he had recovered. It is hard to sort through my feelings. There is bitter disappointment, lonliness, an inarticulate longing for closeness and love. It is strange. I am loved much, and greatly, by many people, but my inner emptiness resounds within my soul...ebbs and flows, retreating when I feel like another moment would be my undoing. I find another hour has passed. I was a failure as a son and as a man for much of our relationship, but by God's Grace, a bridge had been rebuilt and my father knew many of my regrets, and freely forgave me.
I harbor no resentment at the Ancient Of Days, He administers the universe as he sees fit, and some time ago I surrendered, and said "let Him do to me as seems good to Him". I may complain, question, even wallow in childish petulance, but I know I have no where else to turn. When things were inconvenient, and difficult to understand Peter said "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life"

Frustration, and futility. The helpless sense that my world is unravelling. I was actually kind of surprised that there was WI-FI at the medical center of central Georgia...it seems strange to me. though Macon is a larger town than Warner Robins, I have always felt that Warner Robins was more up-to-date...go figure. I guess shit began hitting the fan about 10 days ago...My marriage fell apart, and in the whirlwind of drastically changing circumstances-living location, gathering the requisite paperwork to obtain a divorce, and the struggle to hold together a plan to continue my education, my Dad's health took a nosedive. I have much to be grateful for, God's Provision and his impeccable timing...These things are so momentous in this situation that the Lord's intrevention seems clear to me, and I cannot rail against injustice, and I walk through no material hardship that I did not bring upon my self. My Dad's heart cathertization went as wrong as it can go without actual death. as it was it was scheduled for lunchtime today and had to be moved up to this morning because his condition was so bad. He had a heart attack during the procedure, and had to be recescutated. Now he has been moved to a better equipped facility to continue the fight for life. As I blog from the waiting room, I think of prayer, it's paradoxical nature, and the unfathomable criteria by which God chooses to grant or deny petition. Scripture tells us that "the prayer of a righteous man availeth much", and I sit painfully aware that my righteousness, by the standards of the evangelical community, is flimsy and unimpressive. Even my Savior had prayers denied and these in his darkest, lonliest moments. Who Am I? Papa please. Don't take my Dad. I am so sorry, and my heart is already broken. Please. Mercy. Pity. Grace. Your servant requests your favor yet again.

Ahh, sweet exhaustion...
For the 2nd night in a row, I am up past midnight with an early morning planned. I miss my large( by my standards), empty house. I cannot seem to feel secure in the blessings My Father in Heaven showers on me, and my new house, which should have been impossible for me to obtain is something that I dream over helplessly, making impractical plans to furnish and landscape, as paranoid fear lurks in the background, whispering that there must be some mistake. I hunger for more of everything, an abundant life! Time to think, time to write, time to love and be loved, time to know and be known. I get the same twenty-four hours as every one else, yet I feel like most people have a better handle on life then I do. Hence the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. My stepfather, Chuck, told me tonight that a foundational awareness of self keeps you from allowing others to project onto you. Presumably, this would apply to Satan, also. Lol. I also remember the Desidarada, warning "if you compare yourself to others, you will become vain and bitter, for always there will be people greater or lesser than yourself"

Haven’t posted in a while…I browse through some peoples blogs and the craftsmanship humbles me…some of these people are so prolific, they are obviously putting things into words at a much faster rate than I can under the best of circumstances. My incompetent keyboarding combines with a pathetic attention span, requiring too much time to articulate my thoughts with any regularity and still get my chores done. The inevitable storms of everyday life take their toll as well. Lately, my disintegrating marriage and the upcoming divorce, along with all it entails has occupied most of my attention.
I am forced to redefine my faith and reconcile the consequences of relational failure, with a loving God who nevertheless has standards of acceptable behavior. I begin to wonder at the propriety of some of the things I can see me posting in the future. This Blog is fairly anonymous, only one or two friends have ever intentionally browsed through it, but with a little deduction, it could probably be traced to my Public Identity.
The cathartic release I seek when I put pain of this magnitude into words, requires complete freedom, and the knowledge of who I am, however unlikely it is stumbled across, could compromise the privacy of people that I still care about. School begins the 28th of May, and the drastic change in lifestyle was something I reasonably expected to be quite challenging in it’s own right. The prospect of having to acquire a familiarity with a large amount of data spread across several disciplines while simultaneously working through the grief of shattered hopes to complete life with my first wife is paralyzing. I have heard many stories of God’s grace restoring impossible relationships, but realistically, it seems this involves two willing souls, and Divine Providence seldom overrides freewill, especially in the realm of personal relationship.

someone who doesn't know me actually complimented a photo over the internet! Yahhhh!

The mystical prescence of the holy spirit is supposed to lead me to understanding,and knowledge? love builds up but knowledge puffs up? Where do denial and delusions of granduer fit into the picture, and how do I distinguish them from faith? It seems there is a difference between faith of the heart and faith in action, though to be sure either can stimulate the other. Papa, men who witnessed the raising of the dead and heard your audible voice abandoned your son, and even apostolic power was no cure for hypocrisy. What hope is there for me? and why is this life considered by so many to be a vital leg in the process of conformity to Christ when all observation shows us that the human resemblance to Christ's Character is fleeting and infinitesimal? Or is it? lol. we see things that we admire in others often and your word teaches us that our own righteousness is laughable to you. perhaps the perspective to have is a (as far as humanly possible) constant awareness of the need for repentance and and a grateful acceptance of the perpetually renewed clean slate? How many questions is too many? Is there no end to your paradox?
If you want us to know you, could you have not made us smarter?

early monday morning, I dreamed that my wife and I were in a bar in (presumably) Newport, Ky. on thanksgiving evening. As is characteristic of my dreams some things are instictive and some things are vague awarenesses. There were some family members there, on my (wife's side) and I also remember that one of our waitresses had let slip some personal details in her life, about a certain situation, (Icouldn't tell you what) and we were rooting for her desirable outcome. also, this waitress was evidently on probation, after making some mistakes at work. We left the bar, having ate thanksgiving dinner there, and proceeded to virginia highlands, to an old house that I used to live in about 15 years before actually met my wife. Somehow in the dream, it was where we were spending the night. We headed north to get to this house that was actually some 400 miles to the south, and strangely, my wife an i were driving different vehicles( this is almost never the case). I missed my turn to get off the interstate, and ended up attempting to take another exit ramp which turned out to be a drawbridge across the Ohio River. suddenly I was on a bicycle and had to actually bump against a barrier that then retracted allowing me access to the drawbridge. Unlike the drawbridges of reality (as far as I know) this one was made up of several sections that came apart in consecutive order. some how I got behind in my progress and was forced to jump/leap/swim from one section to the other while dragging my bicycle. Though not in a state of panic, I was aware that this was an emergency situation, that to fail to make it across this river would not be good. I did succeed, and arrived on the other bank at a bike shop (go figure!). I went in to use the phone, since bicycling home at this point was not an option. As I explained that I had just crossed the drawbridge with a bicycle, and that I was broke and needed to use the phone, The attendant offerred to repair my bike at no charge. This was very convenient, since my bike had come through the turbulent river crossing without wheels as I was waiting for the bike to be repaired an amputee came in with some gold carvings and suddenly my bike shop was also a pawnshop. several other things happened but what was most interesting was that I drifted in and out of deeper sleep and at one point wished fervently for an Interpretation. I then felt as though God revealed that the river represented tobacco addiction, and the drawbridge represented the multiple failed attempts to become nicotine free. The the bicycle was of course the vehicle through this life, and the wheels represent my health I feel today that God gave me a conditional promise to restore my health/and or lungs (I have many other health issues) if I quit. so there. I hope this post hasn't become two wacky or mystical.

I have been reading The Grace Awakening by Chuck Swindoll, instead of studying my Bible as much as I should (thank God for grace, lol), and he paints a wonderful picture of God's grace in the story of David seeking out a random descendant of Jonathan's family who he can shower with kindness, simply for the sake of his deep, unconditional love of Jonathan. Swindoll finds "no fewer than eight" points of comparison (pg. 63)

1. Mephibosheth once enjoyed fellowship with his father, as did Adam and Eve
2. When disaster struck, it left permanent crippling in it's wake
3. The King, for the sake of his beloved, sought out anyone upon which he could shower unconditional grace
4. The cripple did nothing, did not even seek the blessing.
5. The cripple was restored from a miserable existence, to a place of blessing and honor (though, he was still lame)
6. The undeserving was adopted into the royal family.
7. The crippling limp was a constant reminder of grace recieved
8. When seated at the table, the adopted son was treated indistinguishably like family.

A thought or two occurred to me

1. The King sought the recipient of grace by commisioning his servant. This is inarguable, to me
2. The servant, Ziba was less than enthusiatic ?(Swindoll acknowledges this though it is not included in his analogy...and I might add, it is an opinion, and I disagree. scripture seems neutral, though intuitively, culture and human nature encourages us to discount those less priveledged than ourselves, both then and now.) as I read the story, the servant of David is much too aware of his place to seem anything but neutral...unlike the servants of Jesus (many denominations and individuals come to mind) who are much to busy being blessed to tolerate the prescence of someone at the table who is morally "lame".
3. The servant's task is simply to bring the cripple into the King's prescence, It is the king himself, Who makes it clear that there is nothing to fear, and the blessing that flows, is beyond Ziba, or Mephibosheth's ablitiy to affect. I do not get the sense that Mephibosheth must "Accept the free gift of Grace, or be cast into the outer darkness". He acknowleges it, in fear and trembling, and puzzlement. (And he boweth himself, and saith, ‘What is thy servant, that thou hast turned unto the dead dog—such as I?’ 2 Sam 9;8 ) after all, people in his position are traditionally put to death. I personally see David as blessing Mephibosheth regardless, so where does that leave us? Has the analogy broken down, as they all do, eventually? or Is the Doctrine of Minimal Entrance Requirement yet another heresy perpetuated my the modern pharisee?

Here is the passage:

2 Samuel 9

1And David saith, ‘Is there yet any left to the house of Saul, and I do with him kindness because of Jonathan?’ 2And the house of Saul hath a servant, and his name is Ziba, and they call for him unto David; and the king saith unto him, ‘Art thou Ziba?’ and he saith, ‘Thy servant.’
3And the king saith, ‘Is there not yet a man to the house of Saul, and I do with him the kindness of God?’ And Ziba saith unto the king, ‘Jonathan hath yet a son—lame.’ 4And the king saith to him, ‘Where is he?’ and Ziba saith unto the king, ‘Lo, he is in the house of Machir, son of Ammiel, in Lo-Debar.’
5And king David sendeth, and taketh him out of the house of Machir son of Ammiel, of Lo-Debar, 6and Mephibosheth son of Jonathan, son of Saul, cometh unto David, and falleth on his face, and doth obeisance, and David saith, ‘Mephibosheth;’ and he saith, ‘Lo, thy servant.’
7And David saith to him, ‘Be not afraid; for I certainly do with thee kindness because of Jonathan thy father, and have given back to thee all the field of Saul thy father, and thou dost eat bread at my table continually.’ 8And he boweth himself, and saith, ‘What is thy servant, that thou hast turned unto the dead dog—such as I?’
9And the king calleth unto Ziba servant of Saul, and saith unto him, ‘All that was to Saul and to all his house, I have given to the son of thy lord, 10and thou hast served for him the land, thou and thy sons, and thy servants, and hast brought in, and there hath been to the son of thy lord bread, and he hath eaten it; and Mephibosheth son of thy lord doth eat continually bread at my table;’ and Ziba hath fifteen sons and twenty servants.
11And Ziba saith unto the king, ‘According to all that my lord the king commandeth his servant, so doth thy servant;’ as to Mephibosheth, ‘he is eating at my table (saith the king) as one of the sons of the king.’ 12And Mephibosheth hath a young son, and his name is Micha, and every one dwelling in the house of Ziba are servants to Mephibosheth. 13And Mephibosheth is dwelling in Jerusalem, for at the table of the king he is eating continually, and he is lame of his two feet.

Young's Literal Translation

  at 3:30 a.m.-in time to do my homework, after prioritizing family and health...oh yeah, my dad gave me a night vision scope. can hardly wait to go camping , now...and check this out, this is an israeli photographer ( Ilia Shalamaev)and this bird is local (to him). Being the Birthplace of My God, mention of israel makes me sit up and take notice, lately. and this guy's online portfolio is amazing...along with a couple of dowloadable powerpoints. I think of israel as desert wasteland... what a reminder . http://www.focuswildlife.com/
 

Whoo Hoo!!! gotta 100 on my psych test. Thank God. I recently re-listened to the Andy Stanley sermon "Choosing to Cheat" about how there are simply not enough hours in the day to address all our concerns and troubles. His premise, is that everybody is cheating somewhere...the question is, where? and the answer better not be in you relatiuonship with God or Your relationship With your Family... and I didn't. I feel great, and I am so greatful. I can hardly wait to see what comes down the pike.

Habits and Such.
discipline, structure, routine... these things have a power to reduce chaos in the life of man who practices them, but they rely on the cultivation of habit, which is birthed by repetition, which requires a conscious effort of will...My only ingrained habit in my starting routine is the rising at 5:00 a.m. most mornings. There are others, but let us look at this one, first.About 15 years ago I began the struggle against chronic substance abuse. It was a commonly accepted precept among those who I approached for help that, if addiction had set in, a "conscious contact" with God was indespensible, in the pursuit of abstinence from the more difficult substances, such as cocaine, opiates, alcohol, ect. It seemed to me, and I am not unique in this, that conscious contact that was not 2-way communication, was a joke, the worst kind of mental masturbation. For me, ongoing faith requires, even now, some level of relationship/reciprococity. The only problem was that HE WASN'T ANSWERING ME. not in any way that I felt sure of. For some reason, I began to believe that silence was needed to hear God's response, and the only silence you were gonna get in this culture was early in the morning. I don't know how long it took to begin arising earlier than most of the surrounding population (I damn sure havn't been doing it for fifteen years!) because I simply cannot remember. (I am actually amazed that I can string together whole paragraphs, and am never sure when i should begin a new one...oh, how i miss my brains)
Posted by me at 6:29 AM 0 comments Links to this post
Thursday, February 7, 2008

Intimacy with God (or the heirarchy of desire)
Can reverence coexist with intimacy? are respect and reverence on the same continuum? I remember fear going hand in hand with respect, As in my early relationship with my father, but this was hardly reverential. A popular(it seems) statement is that "fear" in the bible can be more accurately translated as reverential trust, but it seems to me, that contextually, this can not always be the case... for instance there is a passage where Jesus admonishes his listeners to not fear who can only kill the body, but rather, sensibly enough, to fear or fear more, the one who can destroy the body as well as the soul. also, there is a passage where he warns in the parable of the servant who is forgiven a great debt...of the wrath that awaits if we do not forgive others. To substitute reverential trust for the mainstream concept of fear, makes both of these passages unworkable, does it not? I have a yardstick in my relational concept of earthly father/son that provides a basis for me to intuit/remember fear and intimacy side by side, though most definately, the more fear, the less intimacy. But it is difficult to reconcile reverence with intimacy...I associate intimacy with words like comfortable, relaxed, and familiar.and on reverence...can a man choose his feelings? we can act reverential, but this seems religious, and legalistic instead of relational. I seem powerless to choose my feelings. I cannot even choose to feel fear, but simply act wary if I think I should be cautious. My God, the God of the Bible, is so difficult to pin down, and to understand, yet for so many years, to feel like I know someone has been equated with having a feel for their character, a knowledge of what they may say or do in certain situations. I am comfortable with the notion that paradox is inescapeable when considering the Maker of All Things, but still...Reverence is a form of Awe...or is it...this is difficult to think through and Duty calls. perhaps it is like a father who requires his sons to call him "Sir" (my own father did not do this, though for a brief period I addressed him as "Sir" because one of my friends did this with their dad, and I though it was cool.)resolution eludes me
Posted by me at 11:25 AM 0 comments Links to this post

How many blogs is too many?
Well, I struggle to write consistently. It does me good, I think, to get my thoughts out onto paper, even the virtual kind. I pause a lot in my thoughts, and obviously, at some point, I was taught that pauses are to be punctuated by commas. Fortunately, commas do not require the shift key or possibly, I would have given up on keyboarding long ago. It would also be nice if my typing ability kept pace with my thoughts but this would require the aggressive pursuit of a new skill, and my plate is full.As well as struggling to write Consistently, (in addition to overusing the comma, I will sometimes reflexively Capitalize something for no reason that I can ascertain, and yet will leave the article/pronoun “I” in lowercase…go figure. I am reminded of the savant Charlie Gordon in Daniel Keyes' novel, flowers for Algernon. ) I struggle with the fact that I wish to write in several different arenas. I would like to free form journal, like this, Journal some of my prayers/thoughts/interactions(I hope) with God, as well as write structured essays/ blurbs on specific topics. For instance, On Tuesdays, I attend a Men’s Breakfast where men, who are older and wiser than me, assemble to relate to one another and be taught by a friend of mine. This last Tuesday, I began to wrestle with the paradox, at least in my mind, of relating to a person with a combination/coexistence of fear/reverence/intimacy….More on this Tommorrow.